Not Waving, But Drowning

Hello to the 5 of you still reading. As you noticed I took a leave of absence, and have not been here with snark, strong opinions, or rants in over a year. Truth be told, I almost made that leave of absence permanent. This blog is for me more than for anyone else, and the part of me that enjoys writing had stopped working. Let me continue to be truthful. The part of me that enjoys anything had stopped working. 

Let me start at the beginning. I have been very open about the fact that a struggle with my mental health. Even so, except with a chosen few I am very good at masking it in public and in private. When I started this blog in 2020 I had recently begun to see a therapist. We were making great strides and I was feeling the best I had in years, despit the pandemic, despite struggles at home. Then something happened. She was getting to close to things I did not want to talk about. So I stopped going. 

About this time I had an opportunity I had never dreamed would ever happen. Since I feel that I am a chronic failure at life, the fact that tids thing was within my grasp if I just put myself out there was shocking. So I did what I always do when I might actually succeed at something. I allowed a minor set back to convince me I was making the wrong choice and I retreated. If I am brilliant at any one thing, it is the act of self-sabotage. 

What  did not expect was the massive amount of regret and anger I would feel at myself for letting this slip by. So I pulled even more into myself. The intensity of this disappointment was magnified by the fact that in addition to my mental struggle, I was, and still am going through a physical struggle. I’ve been plagued by chronic pain for years now, and dealing with that on top of a major disappointment, on top of intensly personal issues, on top of raising kids who have anxiety and depression just like I do was too much. 

So I hid. I stopped having any identity outside of being reclusive. I stopped reading, stopped writing anything I wasn’t getting paid for, and essentially shut-down. I became testy and waspish with my family. I could see myself losing control and a switch flipping from even keeled one minute to angry and bitter the next. 

I’ve gained 60 lbs over the past 2 years. if you know me well, you know I struggle with disordered eating, so this was another blow, that encouraged me to retreat even further into the den I’d made for myself.  Today I realized something. That was a self defense mechanism too. Like any animal that puffs up to make itself appear more threatening, I was making myself larger. 

Worst of all, I was cruel to a friend who told me the truth. That I was doing what I always do, running and hiding,  instead of facing my problems and continuing to get help. Fortunately that person understands me well enough that they never abandoned me, but I know it hurt something in our friendship that might not ever heal. 

So why am I writing this now? Because I’m coming out of what I know was a depressive episode. Because I know that their are people to whom this sounds incredibly familiar. Because I made a promise to a friend years ago that I would get help, and even though I fell off the wagon I’m trying to keep that promise and get back on. Because I’m better than this. 

One of my secret fears has always been that if you strip away the layers, the anxiety, the neuroticism, the mood changes, that I am nothing. My son is just like me. High strung, sensitive, desperate for approval, only 10 and working on a stress ulcer. He is more than his defense mechanisms, more than his symptoms. If I want him to see that, then I need to work on myself. There is a better version of me, it might just take me awhile to find it. 

I hope this signals a return for me. A return to writing for myself, and a return to being myself. I am my own worst enemy, and my brain is constantly lying to me. Now I need to find someone who can help me deal with the devious little scamp. 

Until next time, may your Earl Grey always be hot, and may you treat yourself with the kindness you deserve.