Pretty Pony

welcome, come in. It’s been a while since we last spoke. Despite my best efforts, my brain decided to betray me again, and kicked me into a rut deep enough to hang posters. If you know me in my true form you may not have noticed, but fake it til you make it, am I right?

Forty has not been kind to me so far. I kicked it off by falling off my porch and breaking my foot. Followed by the return of my chronic back pain, which  pain management could not treat, or even find a reason for, so as always I was labeled a mystery and written off by the medical community. What does one do in these circumstances? Keep smiling through of course! My thyroid gland decided to quit working in April, it’s fine I’ve got this. It doesn’t matter that I’ve gained 50 pounds I can’t lose no matter how little I eat. I can’t exercise right now because of my back, but I’ve got to start somewhere right?  After all, it’s calories in and calories out and nO exCuSes. 

The final straw to break this camels already unstable back, came yesterday when my knee decided to flare up. It’s currently red hot and twice its size. My doctor was pretty sure it was gout. Probably genetic (thanks Mother) but lets run some tests to be sure. 

The results came in, and drum roll please, it is not gout. My doctors confused. I’m confused, and fat. Oh so fat. 

Why, you may be asking, why are you so hung up on your weight? My dear friends, I will explain it to you. I am not body positive, or body neutral, or anything other than disgusted by myself. Which has been true my entire life. I’ve been stuck in an overly tall body, that I do not feel at home in.  I’ve felt large and ogreish my entire life, and now, I feel even more so. 

Allow me to throw in that my body betrays me at every turn. I’ve had bad knees since I was a child, a bad back because of repeated injuries in my 20’s, and here I sit at 40. I’ve been a fitness enthusiast my entire life through dance, pilates, yoga, and weight lifting. I’ve tried to eat well, and if well sometimes tipped into not at all, and maybe even subtracting what I ate, well beauty hurts. 

According to my therapist who I haven’t seen in a few months, insurance don’t you know, I suffer from a disorder, one more disorder just what I need. This may be true, but I’m sure everyone else can still see the jiggly stomach, wobbly arms, and moon face, perched on thighs that rub together, with knobby ugly knees.

That my friends is the space I am currently occupying. Is negative? Yes. Is it dark here? Most definitely. Do not worry gentle readers, I will be back to sunshine and roses any day now. Until then, may your Earl Grey always be hot, and may you always love yourself. Being out of love with yourself is a place you do not want to be in.